Director: Ridley Scott
Writers: Dan O’Bannon, Ronald Shusett | 4 more credits »
0:00 – 0:30 So…..my eye-candy James Franco is already dead and it’s three minutes in…to a film I’ve waited an extreeeeemely long time for. And yes, this has inspired me to chuck a ‘tanty’ and ‘live review’ Alien: Covenant. I’ve had a gutful, and am switching to Bill O’Reilly mode. “DO IT LIVE!!! WE’RE DOIN’ IT LIVE!!!”
So, sit rep, not a happy chappy (in fact, I remember being more happy watching Chappie, which is saying something believe me.) Cluuumsy religulous dialogue… Okay, wrangling it back in with some John Denver references, semi-decent titty jokes and passably composed exteriors…
0:30 – 1:00 There is something very TV-ish about this film’s aesthetic…is it the frame rate? The colour palette? The lighting definitely feels inappropriate…so high key…Something. Just. Feels. Off.
Feeling very sheepish about unrepentantly backing this film…. “Paging Mr. Scott…Can someone get Mr. Scott in here, please?” Cooool smoke ring/ear canal entry sequence, though maybe I’m just jonesin’ for a puff… Finally it feels like I’m actually watching an Alien film…nup…feeling’s gone. There’s not enough ‘smokiness’ or mistiness going on with the visuals…yep, I’m definitely jonesin’…I’m not feeling a smidgeon of dread or foreboding…aware it could be because I’m live typing my review, but dare I say…I’d be shitting myself by this point if I was l was live reviewing Hostel and I’ve already seen that film…Holographics are cool, but the graphic overlays/flourishes feel like a clumsy afterthought…THIS $97m FILM LOOKS CHEAP. Why not at least match Prometheus‘s budget? Not that this film reminds me TOTALLY of Prometheus and NOTHING of the Alien franchise or anything…this overabundance of legionnaire’s hats is reminding me of a school sports carnival, it’s distracting and taking me out of the universe…can someone get me a Paddle Pop or a chill pill please? It’s possible it could also be the script jerking my brain out of the ‘zone’…Every time I diss this movie you have no idea how much it hurts my heart so deep inside…
1:00 – 1:30 Does anyone remember the Nightmare boardgame series? David (Fassbender) is definitely giving me a “Yes, my Gatekeeper” vibe right about now. I banish you to the black hole…and please take your recorder with you.
I don’t know what it is about Fassbender. Maybe it’s his voice, his eyes…his lip scar…the thought of his threatening penis size…the man scares me a little. But now there’s two of him in the mix…one sans-hand…one not sans hand, I have to say…he’s a little less frightening and easier to digest. That said, whenever I get cozy with a character such as Rosenthal…a neomorph leaves her decapitated head floating in a puddle. Cool image though. Quite gore-alicious…almost as cool as Danny McBride’s cowboy hat (don’t even get me started). Finally some facehugger love…but it’s over so soon! They must have been working on the ‘facehugger’ technology… getting some serious Ally MacBeal dancing baby flashbacks from Oram’s (Billy Crudup) bouncing Chestburster baby (apologies for all the 90s references, calling the limb animation as I see it).
1:30 – 2:02 Xenomorph in the hizzouse!!!! While David’s not deterred by Daniel’s (Waterstons) attempt at a Ridley ‘do, I sure am…loved her in Vice, her overbite’s adorable, but she ain’t my dream Weaver…can we get a badass on this spacecraft or what?????
Is McBride going to save the day? Must say the lander action sequence was a slight thrill, though a little awkward at times. Waterston’s getting a little warmer with sweat+tank top+well-paced crankiness…..OOOH! Extremely satisfying steamy shower scene (Ridley in classic ‘phall-o-rama’ creep mode…love it)…why can’t he do an Alien film like the old days where it’s at least 60% deranged sex-kills…I’d (over)bite down on that! These juicy little moments are just so few and far between! Felt like it was a kipper chucked at me in the Alien fan enclosure to keep me alive until the next installment… Aware this review will score no points in academic circles or with Alien-philes…don’t care, they should be used to disappointment by now anyway (I know I am!) Love me a bit of Wagner and regurgitation acting (and sleek prop design), so I dare say it didn’t end on an entirely büm note.